dreams that have no meaning/the tale of old greybeard

A few nights ago, I dreamed about my ex-girlfriend.  I don't remember what the dream was about or the context in which she made her walk-on.  I remember that the moment she entered my dream, there was an immediate feeling of loss and desire.  Then, something shifted.  I realized that my dream-brain had gotten her image wrong.  It wasn't her.  My subconscious could only form a representation and not an actual likeness. Of course, I consciously remember her appearance, but my subconscious had no clue as to what she looks like.  I laughed myself awake. 

The moment my eyes opened, I found the beautiful woman next to me pulling me closer into her sleeping arms.  She was in no way awake, but her subconscious was finding comfort in my form.  I knew comfort myself at that exact moment.

I don't know why my sleeping brain had decided to produce those feelings in my dream, but I doubt that I will ever dream of her again.  I have new dreams to look forward to.


--

The longer and bushier my beard gets, the more of a character it becomes on its own.  There are several reasons to no longer keep my face in check.  Least of all, I want to see how long I can go at work before one of my bosses calls me out and tells me to trim it.  Next, I've just never let my beard go rogue before.  I kind of just want to see what it might look like.  Also, the girl I'm currently dating (I haven't officially called her my girlfriend yet) loves the beard.  Why shave it when she nuzzles more and more the longer it gets?  Mostly though, I call it my film school beard.  All of the greats have had one: Jackson, Kubrick, Spielberg.  Will having a beard make me a better filmmaker?  Certainly not, but it makes me look more the part, and what could that hurt?

However, the longer it gets, the more I notice the gray in it.  This is probably the number one reason it is staying and at length.  As a guy that likes to smoke pipe tobacco and drink scotch, I feel like it makes me distinguished.  The corners of my mandible go whiter every day.  I kind of like it.

open borders

There's another toothbrush on my sink ledge.  It's the scout of a new country looking to invade the borders of my life.  I am usually taken over, annexed willingly, in a soft surrender.  Will I put up a good fight this time? For now, I will play the diplomat.

We both have our national secrets, but who doesn't?

-- -- --

You'd think that this would be a distraction, but it is an inspiration.  A photo shoot of those large eyes in wild flowers is in order.

The fortuneteller told her to marry the brown haired man in the movie business.



‎"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."-Bob Marley  

no old man snoring

I found myself ready for a little drizzle in my life; a little cleansing wetness.  I didn't know there would be this kind of downpour.  Which exciting storm do I chase?

Should I take to the road and follow the tempest that will whip and whirl with a frenzy, but merely die out quickly?  Or, should I follow the hearty cloudburst; the type of storm that feeds and nurtures the earth?

One will leave me on the road and still looking for that lustrate rain.  The other might just end with the comfort of a warm hearth into the long black night. 

For now, I will fix on the former.  There will always be more rain.  There will always be a chance for the comforting fire as well.

I have old sayings and childrens' rhymes dancing in my head. 

Always remember to wear a raincoat when chasing storms.

quiet seat by a window

The museum was free today and open until 9PM.  I feel like visual art charges my creative battery.  I walked the courtyard and remembered a time when I rehearsed a show on this property.  That play was huge for me.  It was the height before a creative downfall would knock me flat for years.  My marriage started to deteriorate right before I signed the insurance rider and rented the rehearsal space.  Today would have been my tenth wedding anniversary.  I haven't thought about today as anything special for years now.  It's actually because I was celebrating my "Un-niversary" this time four years ago that I met someone else that was very special in my life.  I made my way to the second floor and found a tucked away bench in the windowed crust of the building.  I watched the two stick figures perpetually walk down McDowell.  One of them gets ahead and the other scrambles to catch up.  Always.  Ultimately, they always find a mutual stride.  They find their pace.  This little corner of windowed crust is where I can see the city; but the city, it can't see me.  This quiet seat by a window has good memories.  Tomorrow holds even greater ones.

doing the thing

I am producing again, and it feels great.  We are shooting a commercial in a week for Two Hippies Beach House in Scottsdale.  We're doing it for free, and it's just a bit in the middle of our web-series, but it feels good to be making the calls and getting the ball rolling.  We are doing a photo shoot for our poster on Monday, and we do our first promotional spot on Thursday.  Kicksterter.com page should be launched before the weekend is over, as will the script be finished by then.  Hopefully, we can get some sponsorship after that!  The second episode will be filmed before the month is over.  It looks like it's gonna be funny!

Get ready for nine to ten episodes of pure hilarity.

Then, we'll move on to a different concept.

Outliers

success takes approximately 10,000 hours.

obviously, sacrifice is needed.

what are you willing to sacrifice for success?

present finances, future love?

what is my passion worth?

everything.

displacement

I think that if we are not careful, we put our own intentions onto other people.  It is like a lover that accuses you of cheating when you're not.  Most likely, that person is the one doing the cheating.  When someone starts an argument that states that you are trying to hurt them, most likely it is them trying to do the hurting. I have found too much pride in myself to be baited into a situation like that.  I will not give anyone power over me again.  I look to control no one but myself.  I also look to no one to control me.

Find your happiness and know that I release you to it.  If you're ever not happy, my shoulder is here no matter what.  Just remember, we have no one to blame but ourselves for where we are in life.

If your happiness happens to be near me, then I will smile in the warmth that you radiate.

Bar Smith? Bar Free!

I found myself downtown,
and with the kindest soul.

Folk music and smiles,
and a dose of rolled cigarettes.

"I'm glad you are right here, right now,"
and "Namaste".

I meet the most beautiful people.

.

I tend to cling to things.  Is it because I am I afraid of what I could be without those attachments?  Is it because I am afraid of losing what is normal?  Am I just comfortable?

I'm done with being comfortable.

--

New experiences and new friends.

I am surrounded by all sorts of people that are attracted to who I really am.  I am too, for the most part.  I'm getting there.  Quickly.

honest (drunken) blather (yay!)

I apologize to my faithful readers (both of you).  I have been mostly positive all of my life.  I, like any man, woman, or child, am guilty of weakness.  Even a fighter (see last blog entry) has his moments of weariness.  I am sorry because I have written quite a bit about how I have pined for someone that does not want me.  Why?  Because everyone craves comfort.  Comfort is good though.  It's one of our basic instincts.  Instilled at birth, it is one of our better needs.  Compared to our other birthed requisites (hunger/poopy), it's much more appealing.  The lesson?  Find those close to you that want to nurture your comfort, and comfort them back.  That is the sum of every type of love.  Do not seek it from those that do not wish to be there for you. Use the Ferber Method on yourself at the very least.  Learn to self-sooth.  Being alone is not the same as being without.  Never be without.  Find comfort in the simplest of things.  Be present.  Be with yourself, and people will be drawn to you.  I am drawn to the person that pointed this out to me; a friend that claims to know this subject.  With her wise words, I doubt that she will be alone for much longer.

I'm glad that someone claims to be my totem.  I am never 'without' with good friends.  They are never even 'alone' as long as I am here.  I love being with people.  Collectively, it is why we are here.  To be with each other.  I will always be with you, friend.

Oh, shit!  I think I'm a Secular Humanist (without being pretentious about it).

--

P.S.: I love to write in the parenthetical.  It allows me to be honest (with a dash of mild [very mild {borderline non-existant}] humor).

See, that last example was like Inception, except with parentheses.

--

P.P.S.: I go now to eat my son's leftover wings (yay!).

I less than three chicken wings.

Over The Hills and Far Away

I have had a moving (trying) (awakening) (life-changing) month.  Through this loss, I have finally found the bearing of my road.  I stood at the cliched fork for the entirety of my life.  I now walk (sprint) my destined path.

I have always been a passive man.  I chalk this up to laziness, for sure.  But when the chips were down, I would fight.

Well, not all bets are in right now, and I am compelled to rally.  I am have found my strength, and I don't need to be cornered to champion.

I fight now for what I believe in.
I fight for peace.
I fight for truth.
I fight for compassion.
I fight for friends.
I fight for love.
I fight for the hearts of everyone.

You push away from me, but our roads still come together.  We both know it, so journey with me.  The trip will be a lifetime full of laughter.

"Hey lady, you got the love I need.
Maybe, more than enough.
So darlin', darlin', darlin',
Walk a while with me.
You've got so much..."
                                     --Led Zeppelin, Over The Hills and Far Away

"still ending, and beginning still"

My heart sets the meter of my poetry.

--

I know that this isn't hip to say, but I prefer poems that rhyme.

Because I just admitted this, somewhere a coffee shop is now aflame.  Kerouac and Bukowski fans are gripping paperback editions of non-metered drug-addled and sex-fueled writings, cursing my name, and seething words of harm my way.  I am sure that hipsters and (f)artists will burn me in effigy down in the Roosevelt District.

Sorry Charlie B., poems about masturbating with a woman in the shower are my cup of heroine.

Okay, I kinda like that too (the poetry, not the heroine).  Non-measured poetry is mostly what I write these days.  I don't have the time like I had in high school to sit and work my words to fit a pentameter.

I just love classical poetry.  I love the work it takes to fill your heart into a structure.  To not only create, but to organize your emotions.  There is a romance to the matter.  Because of, but not limited to, the fact that most of these poems relate to raw emotion and pure love, I am drawn to them like a beat poet to black turtlenecks.  It is the steady cantor of this poetry that reminds me of our own innate rhythm; the rhythm of our hearts (our feelings) (our souls).  These poets have put to words what I can only feel, but cannot express.

--

In times of unchecked feelings and restless desires, I turn to a favorite of mine, William Cowper.  You might not know his name, but I bet you are familiar with this quote of his, "Variety is the spice of life, That gives it all its flavor".  That line aside, his love poetry digs deep into my emotions.  You can feel his being on the page.  I picture him by candlelight weary and swollen eyed writing to the damsel that moves him beyond measure (pardon my pun).

--

We change as individuals.  This is a good thing.  If it wasn't for personal growth and change, we'd still be etching stick horses into cave walls.  It is important to always grow, to stretch your mind and abilities toward new directions.  Always be looking for yourself, and you will find yourself in everything that you do.  It is okay to let change happen within you.  It is what you should do when you respect yourself.

One thing in this world that always beats the same drum line.  One thing that is unwavering, unflappable, and undeniable.  That one thing is love.  No matter how much you deny it (run from it) (try to change it) it stays true to its structure.  It will always follow the form set by its creator.  Love is the classical poetry of inspiring men dead now for centuries.  Love is the constant, and we are the variables.

Mine is an unchanging love,
Higher than the heights above,
Deeper than the depths beneath,
Free and faithful, strong as death.

--

It's okay to love.  It's okay to share it.  Please friends, write more about it.

My Heart Is Mid-Step

For an old friend, I hope that both our wounds can heal.

I charge my heart with the task of exploring its home, the confines of my being.  It is its job now to discover the depths of its own basement, to squeeze through its own crawlspace.  While clearing out the cobwebs, I came across the picture of an old friend that I had hurt.

I had been drastically and humiliatingly hurt in my past, and it took a recent love to show me that I seek these patterns.  Not because I want them, but because I expect them to be there.  I expect to get hurt in the same way.  I haven't yet, and now that I see my pattern, I never will.

When I was hurt those few years ago, I accidentally dragged someone completely awesome down with me.  I made such a ruin of her heart, that she had to escape the city in which I lived.  Here's the kicker, I didn't even know how badly I had hurt her.  She was the furthest person from my mind for such a long time.

I recently reconnected with her via, of course, social media.  I apologized, before I knew what damage I had even done.  Now that I know, I am truly and whole-heartedly sorry.

You have grown into a beautiful and talented woman.  New York has treated you well.  You might not be able to trust, and that is my fault, but know that I want to help patch that hole that I had made.  I hope that in time, you can trust me as a friend.

We live our lives so wrapped up in our own emotions that we are blind to the hearts of others.  In the eyes of others, we are the sum of our actions, not our intentions.

I'm trying to own my heart.  To do so, I must own my actions.

Indistinguishable from Magic

I've taken steps in the recent past to change my life, to reinvent myself.  I went back to school to follow my passion.  It has been an eye opening experience.  It  taught me that college can be done.  It told me that a life in an industry that has been dear to my heart since the age of four is within my reach.  I just have to do it.  My dreams are there for the taking.

I fell in love with the 'make belive' of movies when I was little.  I fell in love with the 'talent' of it when I was older.  Now that I am a man, I find myself a little wiser, and I love the 'creation' of it all.  There is an art, a synchronized coordination, a creation of life to it.   Movies have the power to bring people to tears, the power to make them smile.  Movies bring emotions to an open-hearted and willing audience.  There is a definite romance to this art that moves people like no other.

I am drawn like a super charged magnet.  I want to make people cry with stories of love.  I want to make people clutch their loved ones with anticipation ([with fear], [with relief], [with hope], [with heartbreak], [with joy]).  I want to make people live the beauty of a lifetime within the span of two hours.

My heart is full with every emotion this human existence weaves for us.  I embrace every emotion my life has to offer.  Our emotions are what separate us from any other creature that we know of in this expansive universe.  Our emotions are our souls.

I am drawn to fill peoples' souls.  This is the spell that I am destined to enchant.  It truly is indistinguishable from magic.

--

I have been ensorcelled to my writings again.  I will tell great tales.

I determined to finish this project that has been burning behind my eyes since a day of illuminated inspiration in my Cinema History class.  I listened intently to my professor ( a grizzled old veteran affectionally titled, Sarge), grappled on to his words.  I quoted him in my notes.  It was a random tirade like he was prone to, and that I hoped for daily. Within those quotations a story was birthed.  It will be finished; a short film.

I've started on a new script as well.

World, prepare to feel.  World?  Be prepared to be dazzled by my magic.

--

We can all be magical in our own way.  What is your spell?

run for your life

wind was in my face tonight
--
felt the birth of another rolling storm
something new
something clean
--
gave the heart a workout twice tonight
once by a run
once by bodhi
--
found myself some breath tonight
some quiet tonight
some space tonight
--
when the breath is deep
the breath is gentle
when the heart is pumping
the heart is strong

Love Personified

I bear my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to witness.

--

I am a romantic (a drunk romantic as I write this) and I am not ashamed (I am a little ashamed about the drunk part).  I have always known that the person for me is out there.  Don't get me wrong, I've had my fun looking in sometimes the least serious way.  For the last four years though, I have thought that I had found that person.  Could I have been wrong?  Could the heart that I have so readily relied on my entire life been mistaken?  I don't want to believe it, but it could be true.

I have looked hard for that special someone, and I have found no one like her.

--

I was once married in a age long ago.  Everyone knows this.  It is no secret.  I made the mistake of marrying my old high school sweetheart because she was pregnant, and that rarely works.  My ex-wife had consistently cheated on me.  It hurt me in ways that some couldn't even imagine.  It had scarred me, made me an overbearing boyfriend.  I am suspicious of motives.  I am a nervous wreck when it comes to love.  I put everything I had into this last relationship to make sure that it lasted without lies and secret agendas.  I should have spent my energies in other ways.  I know that she is not my ex-wife.  I should have put more trust into what we had, let her go be her without worry.

--

I put up with some hurt from this 'love of my life' as well.  I analyze everyone I know (mostly inaccurately), and after four years I'm relatively certain that I have her pegged (I did say relatively).  I know that she is unsure that I can be what she needs.  That makes her certain that I am not what she wants.  Little does she know how much of a man she has made me.  This week alone, I have grown ten-fold.  I am committed to what it takes to be the man that any woman would want: responsible, hard working, passionate about my own life.

I know this woman like an extension of myself.  That is what she has been, an extension of who I am and who I want to be.  I know her fears about getting caught up in me and what I represent with my own life.  I know that she has a yearning to experience life at its fullest.  My love for her demands that I set her free.  No matter what she might end up achieving without me.  No matter how hard it would be for me.

Friends and family wonder why I keep letting her hurt me; letting her back into my life.  If they knew her like I do, it would be quite clear.  She is the most beautiful, pure of heart, sensitive, coolest, conscious soul that I have ever met.  My soul glows from just having touched her, as does every other soul that crosses her path.

--

I seem to be solely inspired by love.  Is that such a bad thing?

No, It's a beautiful thing.

A life in love is a graceful life, and mine has been graced in the most heavenly of ways.

--

She has given me the gift of life lessons.  I am a better man for having had her caress my soul.  I will work hard to eat healthy, commit to exercise, save money, be more meditative, and a myriad of other positive traits.  Even if she is forever gone from my life, she has taught me how to live life and how to fucking LOVE the life I have been given.

--

Do I hold out hope?

Always.

She is my heart's song.  I will give her whatever time she needs this time around (and any other time this might happen).  Every fleeting moment that we have is one that is cherished even if no one else will ever understand.

If I do anything in my life, it is with her in my heart.

I am love personified, and she is the breath that keeps love alive.

--

Goodnight dear friends.  I love you as well.

These Days

I'm charging ahead!  I'm saving, exercising, meditating, and studying!  I love where I'm going on a personal level.  Here's a bit of what's happening these days:

Listening:
Neville Brothers
Willie Nelson
Mumford & Sons
Iron & Wine
Steve Martin and The Steep Canyon Boys

Watching:
Trailer Park Boys
Undeclared
Pi

Reading:
Dearly Devoted Dexter
Sex, Sin, and Zen
Awakening The Buddha Within

Doing:
Learning all about the Sony DV250
Work, work, work
treadmill on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays
meditation daily
spreadsheets!
lots of lists and personal empowerment

Doin' Just Fine (I Guess)

Everybody is worried about how I'm doing these days.  Chelsea, the girl I was (and still am) convinced that I was going to marry, has left me again.  Will I give up?  Maybe I will (eventually).  For now, I hold out that this is just like every other time.  I understand that she gets scared.  I understand that she wants more out of life than I can provide for her now.  The only thing that I can do is march on with my education, safe in the knowledge that I will be able to provide for her some day.

Until then, I'm working on me.  I am charging myself with tasks to improve my life.  First, I have found a sangha in BodhiHeart, where I will be attending on Sunday nights.  I meditate in the morning.  It's tough to get up a little earlier, but I feel great all day long.  I have committed to exercising at least three days a week.  It REALLY energizes me!  Wedsnesday, I'm getting my tires fixed on my bike so I can ride to work.  I am eating less and healthier.  It's really led to fewer stomach pains and other issues.  Also, I make sure my apartment is fully clean before I go to bed.  And finally, saving.  I have commited myself to putting money away.  I have a great new savings plan!  Already, it's building up.

All of these are lessons that I learned from Chelsea.  I was too stubborn to put to practice the things she knew about organizing one's life.  Now that they're being implemented, I realize that I've learned quite a few things about being a grown-up.

I love her, and I always will.

Limited Release

    Alright boys and girls!  It's time for my first entry on my brand new BLOG!

    What better way to kick things off than with a recent trailer that I made for my photography class.  Keep in mind that I am only a second semester film student, and I haven't any field production training yet.  Also, this trailer went along with an entire presentation trying to sell this movie to an investor.  You're the first and probably the only people to see this.