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I am a romantic (a drunk romantic as I write this) and I am not ashamed (I am a little ashamed about the drunk part). I have always known that the person for me is out there. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fun looking in sometimes the least serious way. For the last four years though, I have thought that I had found that person. Could I have been wrong? Could the heart that I have so readily relied on my entire life been mistaken? I don't want to believe it, but it could be true.
I have looked hard for that special someone, and I have found no one like her.
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I was once married in a age long ago. Everyone knows this. It is no secret. I made the mistake of marrying my old high school sweetheart because she was pregnant, and that rarely works. My ex-wife had consistently cheated on me. It hurt me in ways that some couldn't even imagine. It had scarred me, made me an overbearing boyfriend. I am suspicious of motives. I am a nervous wreck when it comes to love. I put everything I had into this last relationship to make sure that it lasted without lies and secret agendas. I should have spent my energies in other ways. I know that she is not my ex-wife. I should have put more trust into what we had, let her go be her without worry.
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I put up with some hurt from this 'love of my life' as well. I analyze everyone I know (mostly inaccurately), and after four years I'm relatively certain that I have her pegged (I did say relatively). I know that she is unsure that I can be what she needs. That makes her certain that I am not what she wants. Little does she know how much of a man she has made me. This week alone, I have grown ten-fold. I am committed to what it takes to be the man that any woman would want: responsible, hard working, passionate about my own life.
I know this woman like an extension of myself. That is what she has been, an extension of who I am and who I want to be. I know her fears about getting caught up in me and what I represent with my own life. I know that she has a yearning to experience life at its fullest. My love for her demands that I set her free. No matter what she might end up achieving without me. No matter how hard it would be for me.
Friends and family wonder why I keep letting her hurt me; letting her back into my life. If they knew her like I do, it would be quite clear. She is the most beautiful, pure of heart, sensitive, coolest, conscious soul that I have ever met. My soul glows from just having touched her, as does every other soul that crosses her path.
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I seem to be solely inspired by love. Is that such a bad thing?
No, It's a beautiful thing.
A life in love is a graceful life, and mine has been graced in the most heavenly of ways.
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She has given me the gift of life lessons. I am a better man for having had her caress my soul. I will work hard to eat healthy, commit to exercise, save money, be more meditative, and a myriad of other positive traits. Even if she is forever gone from my life, she has taught me how to live life and how to fucking LOVE the life I have been given.
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Do I hold out hope?
Always.
She is my heart's song. I will give her whatever time she needs this time around (and any other time this might happen). Every fleeting moment that we have is one that is cherished even if no one else will ever understand.
If I do anything in my life, it is with her in my heart.
I am love personified, and she is the breath that keeps love alive.
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Goodnight dear friends. I love you as well.
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