the nervous blather

I'm sitting at my computer, fidgeting when I should be sleeping.  My feet are tapping, elbows shaking while they rest on the table.

Why am I so anxious?

There is an excitement for tomorrow.  I will be auditioning (what I hope to be) a score of actors for a play; a play thick with emotion and weighty themes.  This show will not be an easy project.  I might be the only one, but I feel an intense electrical charge with this whole prospect.

***

I think the electricity might just be nervousness.  It is a twisting labyrinth of possibilities.  If this play goes well, it has the potential to help set my career as a producer.  If it crashes, I'm afraid that I will too.  My head fills with doubt every time I close my eyes.  That is the real reason that I find myself typing at this hour.

Did I read the script enough in pre-production?


Should I be concerned that I don't have a clear vision of every scene after all that study?


Is my vision of the play amateurish?


Did I not schedule enough rehearsals with only 5.33 weeks?


Will I get it blocked in time?


Will my actors respect my direction?


Will people even come to my show?


Why did I agree to let cameras film the whole process?!?


What the FUCK am I trying to prove with this DAMN play?!?!?

I haven't produced or directed a play since 2005.  I moved from the house that I shared with my wife during the production of my last show.  The emotional drain that I experienced robbed me of any ambition; stole my hope.  It took me years to recover my strength.

I now feel like a gymnast standing on mended bones and staring down the pummel horse.  One wrong twist, one wrong vault, and I will be shattered again.

With no family around and only a few close friends, this play is starting with an odd sense of loneliness.  I willingly sacrifice my time and love, and I shut people out to focus my energy.  My energy quickly fades though when I turn to find that there is no one to share my creativity with.

***

These doubts that I have, they're nothing more than raw emotion.  Where some would consider that a weakness, I consider it my muscle.  With any art, every emotion is a strength.

A play quickly becomes a family, and I will be able to share soon enough.