I'm sitting at my computer, fidgeting when I should be sleeping. My feet are tapping, elbows shaking while they rest on the table.
Why am I so anxious?
There is an excitement for tomorrow. I will be auditioning (what I hope to be) a score of actors for a play; a play thick with emotion and weighty themes. This show will not be an easy project. I might be the only one, but I feel an intense electrical charge with this whole prospect.
***
I think the electricity might just be nervousness. It is a twisting labyrinth of possibilities. If this play goes well, it has the potential to help set my career as a producer. If it crashes, I'm afraid that I will too. My head fills with doubt every time I close my eyes. That is the real reason that I find myself typing at this hour.
Did I read the script enough in pre-production?
Should I be concerned that I don't have a clear vision of every scene after all that study?
Is my vision of the play amateurish?
Did I not schedule enough rehearsals with only 5.33 weeks?
Will I get it blocked in time?
Will my actors respect my direction?
Will people even come to my show?
Why did I agree to let cameras film the whole process?!?
What the FUCK am I trying to prove with this DAMN play?!?!?
I haven't produced or directed a play since 2005. I moved from the house that I shared with my wife during the production of my last show. The emotional drain that I experienced robbed me of any ambition; stole my hope. It took me years to recover my strength.
I now feel like a gymnast standing on mended bones and staring down the pummel horse. One wrong twist, one wrong vault, and I will be shattered again.
With no family around and only a few close friends, this play is starting with an odd sense of loneliness. I willingly sacrifice my time and love, and I shut people out to focus my energy. My energy quickly fades though when I turn to find that there is no one to share my creativity with.
***
These doubts that I have, they're nothing more than raw emotion. Where some would consider that a weakness, I consider it my muscle. With any art, every emotion is a strength.
A play quickly becomes a family, and I will be able to share soon enough.
